{"id":35503,"date":"2019-05-17T21:36:29","date_gmt":"2019-05-17T21:36:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/websitedesigns.com.au\/elankanew\/?p=35503"},"modified":"2022-07-02T05:37:04","modified_gmt":"2022-07-02T05:37:04","slug":"elanka-funnies-comedy-words-of-wisdom-by-phyllis-diller","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/websitedesigns.com.au\/elankanew\/elanka-funnies-comedy-words-of-wisdom-by-phyllis-diller\/","title":{"rendered":"eLanka Funnies & Comedy – Words of Wisdom by Phyllis Diller"},"content":{"rendered":"

eLanka Funnies & Comedy – Words of Wisdom by Phyllis Diller<\/span><\/h1>\n

\"eLanka_comedy\"<\/p>\n

\u00a0LINES FROM THE PAST<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Not sure who to offend so I chose lucky you\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.\u00a0 That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!<\/strong>
\n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay”\u00a0\u00a0as she likes to call it.<\/span><\/p>\n

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.\u00a0 But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.\u00a0 So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”<\/span><\/p>\n

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves\u00a0breakfast until 11:30.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last\u00a0night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.<\/span><\/p>\n

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”<\/span><\/p>\n

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>
\n“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”<\/span><\/p>\n

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>
\n“That’s a disgrace,”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0said the priest,” especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.<\/span><\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

Jokes \u2013 Sri Lankan\u2019s rule ok?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Mathematician asks:\u00a0 How to write 4 in between a 5?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

China man replied: Is this a Joke?<\/span><\/p>\n

Japan man exclaimed: Impossible!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

American man said: The question’s wrong!!<\/span><\/p>\n

British man snorted: Rubbish !!<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan\u00a0 man wrote:\u00a0 F(IV)E<\/span><\/p>\n

This is the reason you find Sri Lankan\u00a0 everywhere in the world in finance, business, medicine, engineering & arts..anything to do with optimising your brain!!<\/span><\/p>\n

British: Can u swim?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan : No.<\/span><\/p>\n

British:\u00a0 Then a dog is better than u because it can swim.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan : Can u swim?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

British: Yes!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan : Then what’s the difference between u & the dog?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

British shocked, faints!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan\u00a0 Rocks!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

European : Why do all Sri Lankan\u00a0\u263bcome in different colors?Look at us, we are all white.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sri Lankan : Horses too come in different colors but donkeys are all the same!!!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

===============================================================================================<\/p>\n

\u00a0Marriage<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Marriage\"<\/p>\n

\"Marriage\"<\/p>\n

\"Marriage\"<\/p>\n

\"Marriage\"<\/p>\n

\"Marriage\"<\/p>\n

============================================================================================<\/p>\n

At\u00a0 last, confirmation of ‘Murphy’s Law’ with a wonderful Irish explanation<\/em><\/strong>:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor,\u00a0 and lo behold…..and it lands butter-side-up.<\/span>
\nHe looks own in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of the universe that buttered toast\u00a0<\/span>
\nALWAYS ls\u00a0butter-down.\u00a0So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father\u00a0 Flanagan.\u00a0He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his\u00a0 kitchen. He won’t say what it is, but asks\u00a0Fr. Flanagan to come and\u00a0 see it with his own eyes.<\/span>
\nHe leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and\u00a0 asks him what he sees on the floor. \u00a0<\/span>
\n“Well,” says he Priest, “it’s\u00a0 pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some\u00a0buttered toast on the floor\u00a0 and then, for some reason, hey flipped it over so that the butter was\u00a0 on top.”\u201cNo, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!”\u00a0 exclaimed Murphy.\u00a0\u00a0“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “Dropped toast\u00a0 never falls with the butter side up. \u00a0<\/span>
\nIt’s a miracle… but wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.\u00a0 I’ll have to report this matter\u00a0<\/span>
\nto the Bishop, and, he’ll have to deal with it.\u00a0 He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc.”<\/span>
\nA thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists\u00a0<\/span>
\nsent over from the Curia in Rome.\u00a0 No expense is spared. \u00a0<\/span>
\nThere is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.<\/span>
\nThen, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.<\/span>
\n“It\u00a0 is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen,\u00a0<\/span>
\nquite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet\u00a0 the Holy See must be\u00a0<\/span>
\nvery cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.”<\/span>
\n“Unfortunately, in this case, it\u00a0 has been declared ‘No Miracle’, because they think\u00a0 . . .<\/span><\/p>\n

Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”<\/span><\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO\u2019S \u2018WHO\u2019S BEEN VACCINATED?\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/p>\n

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Bud: \u2018You can\u2019t come in here!\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018Why not?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Well because you\u2019re unvaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But I\u2019m not sick.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018It doesn\u2019t matter.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018Well, why does that guy get to go in?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Because he\u2019s vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But he\u2019s sick!\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018It\u2019s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Yes.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018So then why can\u2019t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Because you\u2019ll make them sick.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018How will I make them sick if I\u2019m NOT sick and they\u2019re vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Because you\u2019re unvaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But they\u2019re vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018But they can still get sick.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018So what the heck does the vaccine do?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018It vaccinates.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018So vaccinated people can\u2019t spread covid?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m saying anymore. Look. I\u2019m not sick.<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Ok.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018And the guy you let in IS sick.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018That\u2019s right.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018And everybody in there can still get sick even though they\u2019re vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Certainly.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018So why can\u2019t I go in again?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Because you\u2019re unvaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018I\u2019m not asking who\u2019s vaccinated or not!\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018I\u2019m just telling you how it is.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018Nevermind. I\u2019ll just put on my mask.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018That\u2019s fine.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018Now I can go in?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Absolutely not?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But I have a mask!\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Doesn\u2019t matter.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018I know.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: So why can\u2019t I come in here today with a mask? \u2026.<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

If you say \u2018because I\u2019m unvaccinated\u2019 again, I\u2019ll break your arm.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Take it easy buddy.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018So the mask is no good anymore.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018No, it\u2019s still good.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But I can\u2019t come in?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Correct.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
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Lou: \u2018Why not?\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Because you\u2019re unvaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Bud: \u2018Yes, but people can still catch your germs.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Lou: \u2018But they\u2019re all vaccinated.\u2019<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Bud: \u2018Yes,<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

BARTENDER JOKE<\/span><\/p>\n

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’<\/span><\/p>\n

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’<\/span><\/p>\n

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’<\/span><\/p>\n

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’<\/span><\/p>\n

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’<\/span><\/p>\n

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.<\/span><\/p>\n

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.<\/span><\/p>\n

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’<\/span><\/p>\n

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides<\/span><\/p>\n

If you don’t laugh<\/span><\/p>\n

At this one, then you’ve got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

(‘.’)<\/span><\/p>\n

<))><\/span><\/p>\n

_\/\\_<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote<\/b>\u00a0pasture in the\u00a0<\/span>outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust<\/b>.<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

The driver, a young man in a Brioni\u00ae suit, Gucci\u00ae shoes, RayBan\u00ae<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

sunglasses and YSL\u00ae tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

will you give me a calf?”
\n<\/i><\/span>
\nBilly looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at<\/b><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?<\/b>“<\/span><\/p>\n

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell\u00ae notebook computer,<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3\u00ae cell phone, and surfs to a NASA<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
\n<\/i><\/span>
\nThe yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop\u00ae and<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ……<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot\u00ae that the<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

MS-SQL\u00ae database through an ODBC connected Excel\u00ae spreadsheet<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

with email on his Blackberry\u00ae and, after a few minutes, receives<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

a response.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,<\/u><\/u><\/p>\n

miniaturized HP LaserJet\u00ae printer, turns to Billy and says, “You<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”<\/i><\/span>
\n
\n<\/i>“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then,<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

since you won it fair en square.” says Billy.<\/span>
\n
\n<\/i>He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and<\/b><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it<\/b><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

into the boot of his car.<\/b><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

says, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

from, will you give me back my calf?”<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n


\nThe yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

and then says, “Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

“<\/i>You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old timer..<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth<\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

did you guess that?”<\/i><\/span>
\n
\n<\/i>“No guessing required.” answered Billy “You showed up here even<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living –<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.<\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

Now give me back my dog.”<\/span><\/p>\n

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.<\/u><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

 <\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/span><\/p>\n

Growing Older<\/span><\/h1>\n

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Old Red Indian story<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Love this one\u00a0\"😂\"\"😂\"\"😂\"\"😂\"<\/span><\/p>\n

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.<\/span>
\nHe hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.<\/span>
\nAfter years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘<\/span>
\nIf anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them! ‘<\/span><\/p>\n

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.<\/span>
\nThen one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’<\/span>
\nHe jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.<\/span>
\nHe made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.<\/span>
\nThe word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name from him until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.<\/span>
\nShe hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’<\/span>
\nOnestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,<\/span>
\nHe made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird would not die!<\/span><\/p>\n

Why ???<\/span><\/p>\n

OH, come on … Take a guess !!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Think about it !!!<\/span><\/p>\n

You’re going to love this !!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone knows ..<\/span><\/p>\n

You can’t kill Two Birds<\/span><\/p>\n

With<\/span>
\nOneStone !! \"😂\"\"😂\"\"😂\"\"😂\"\"😂\"<\/span><\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

Newspaper Headlines or cartoon page?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Let’s never get rid of newspapers – we need the laughs!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

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Irish Confession:<\/strong><\/span><\/u><\/u><\/p>\n

“I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>“On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>\u201cWhen the priest came in, I said to him,’Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.’\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

He replied, “Patrick, you moron, you’re on my side.”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:<\/strong><\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

\n


\n<\/b>The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>MORAL OF THE STORY:<\/strong><\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n


\n<\/b>Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

But all men….are men.<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

___________________________<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”<\/strong>
\n______________________________<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”, he tells the vet.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Mick says, “Well wait now, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

_____________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

‘Not guilty.’<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>‘That’s grand!’ shouted Reilly. ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?’<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

A tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

To which the Irishman replies: “Well if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.<\/strong>
\n<\/strong>______________________________<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?’<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’<\/strong>
\n______________________________<\/strong><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.<\/strong>
\n<\/b>______________________________<\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. ‘Quick!’ he said. ‘Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!’<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

‘Tell me, is this her first baby?’ the intern asked.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

‘No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.’<\/strong>
\n<\/strong>______________________________<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs???<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

JOKES for the Day<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\n

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
\n“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
\n“You did WHAT?!?”\u00a0 the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
\n“You know, \u201cexplained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”\u00a0 The boy thought it over and said,\u00a0 “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Troy, come in or stay out!'”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

3. One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in\u00a0 his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me\u00a0tonight?”\u00a0 The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.\u00a0 “I can’t dear,” she said.\u00a0 “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
\nA long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\u00a0 “The big sissy.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

4. It was that time, during the\u00a0Sunday\u00a0morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty\u00a0 dress and, as she\u00a0sat\u00a0down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
\nThe little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

5. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy,\u00a0 you are getting fat!”
\nI replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
\n“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

7.\u00a0 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
\nHis mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
\nThe little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
\n“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
\n“Yes,” he answered.
\nInfuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
\nThe teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
\nThe mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
\nAfter the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

“What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the\u00a0 farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
\nThe teacher paused then asked the class, \u201cAnd what do you think that farmer said?”
\nOne little girl raised her hand and said,
\n“I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'”
\nThe teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
\nHer mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
\nThe Vicar spoke to her in\u00a0Sunday\u00a0school, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
\nShe replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
\nHer mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
\nThe little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.\u00a0 She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
\nThe barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
\nShe says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

Ear Infections<\/span><\/h1>\n

This is so true!\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.<\/span>
\nI know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.<\/span>
\nA 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.<\/span>
\nThe Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’<\/span>
\n‘There’s something wrong with my dick\u2019, he replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘<\/span>
\n‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.<\/span>
\nThe Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’<\/span>
\nThe man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’<\/span><\/p>\n

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’<\/span>
\n‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.<\/span>
\nThe waiting room erupted in laughter…\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

*Interesting bit for English lovers*<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

Once Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar, Bengali poet and scholar, jokingly asked Michael Madhusudhan Dutt, an Anglophile poet of great repute;<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAs you are a Master in English, can you make a sentence without using a single\u00a0 ‘E’?”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dutt, the genius,\u00a0 wrote this:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“I doubt I can. It\u2019s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It\u2019s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It\u2019s not worth it.”_<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Absolutely brilliant!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rags to Riches – I love a success story, beats all the doom and gloom around today! – A Good Heart-warming Story<\/span><\/h1>\n

\"eLanka_comedy\"<\/p>\n

Source:<\/span><\/strong>Reddit<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.\u00a0 He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.<\/span><\/p>\n

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?” The man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?” The shoe guy replies,\u00a0 “I have millions in your bank,” he says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.” “What\u2019s your name? ” asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.<\/span><\/p>\n

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department;\u00a0 Do we have\u00a0 a client named John H. Smith? “Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”<\/span><\/p>\n

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.\u00a0 I am sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”<\/span><\/p>\n

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer.\u00a0 I invited him here to tell us the story of his life.\u00a0 I am sure we can learn from him.” Mr. Smith began his story.<\/span><\/p>\n

“I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.\u00a0 I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.\u00a0 Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.\u00a0 I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.<\/span><\/p>\n

I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

================================================================================================<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is a good compilation of risque jokes to offend the woke community. Sent by a friend. ….. *Adult content \u00a0!!!*<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

*Men’s Pearls of Wisdom* \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.<\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.<\/span><\/li>\n
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.<\/span><\/li>\n
  8. Virginity can be cured.<\/span><\/li>\n
  9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.<\/span><\/li>\n
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.<\/span><\/li>\n
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.<\/span><\/li>\n
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.<\/span><\/li>\n
  13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……<\/span><\/li>\n
    2. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t<\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0A: Breasts don’t have eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

          \n
        1. Despite the old saying, \u201cDon’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives..!!\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n
        2. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Send to the men with a good sense of humour and women who need a good laugh….<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =============================================================================================<\/p>\n

          \n

          Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.<\/em><\/span><\/strong><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n
          \n

          \u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n
          \n

          One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          It’s probably just your Dad…’<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The child thought about this for a moment then said,<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          \u00a0<\/span>~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          An elderly woman died last month.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          \u00a0<\/span>~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          He answered, ‘Call for backup.’<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span>Jerusalem.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a babysitter.’<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ‘Thou shall not kill.’<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/span><\/b><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          You grow old because you stop laughing!<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          I thought you would enjoy this….times are tough<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          right now…for all of us…so we need something to make the day a happy place.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          “They” haven’t found a way to tax you for laughing yet!!<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n

           <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Farmer’s grace before breakfast<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n
          \n

          A while back I read a story of a visiting pastor who attended a men’s breakfast in the middle of a rural farming area in this country.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The group had asked an older farmer, decked out in bib overalls, to say grace for the morning breakfast :<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          “Lord, I hate buttermilk,” the farmer began. The visiting pastor opened one eye to glance at the farmer and wonder where this was going.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was growing concerned.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Without missing a beat, the farmer continued, “And Lord, you know I don’t much care for raw white flour.”<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The pastor once again opened an eye to glance around the room and saw that he wasn’t the only one to feel uncomfortable.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Then the farmer quickly added,<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          “But Lord, when you mix them all together and bake them, I do love warm fresh biscuits.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          So Lord, when things come up that we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we don’t understand what you’re saying to us, help us to just relax and wait until you are done mixing. It will probably be even better than biscuits. Amen.”<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Within that prayer there is great wisdom for all when it comes to complicated situations like we are experiencing in the world today.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Stay strong my friends, because our life is being mixed with lots of things that we don’t care for……relax and wait until the mixing is done….especially with more knowledgeable, caring and experienced hands…………….<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Jack, the Newfie<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          But, all of Jack’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.<\/span><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n


          \nAfter several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”<\/em><\/span><\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n


          \nJack’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.<\/em><\/span><\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n


          \nThere stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.<\/em><\/span><\/i><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n

          \u00a0<\/span><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          This will make you smile!<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          A little girl walked to and from school daily.<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, “What are you doing?”<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

          \n
          \n

          The child answered, “I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.”<\/span><\/b><\/em><\/u><\/u><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

          \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n

          ==============================================================================================<\/p>\n

          \u00a0DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TILL YOU HAVE ANSWERED ALL QUESTIONS<\/span><\/strong><\/h1>\n

          NEW\u00a0 EXAM FOR SENIORS<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

          You only need\u00a04<\/u>\u00a0correct out of 10 to pass.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          2) Which country makes Panama hats?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          3) From which animal do we get\u00a0catgut?
          \n<\/strong><\/span>
          \n4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          7) What was King George VI’s first name?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          8) What colour is a purple finch?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          Check your answers below<\/strong>\u00a0….<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          =><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/strong>116 years<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          2) Which country makes Panama hats?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong>Ecuador<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          3) From which animal do we get\u00a0<\/strong>catgut<\/strong>?\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Sheep and Horses<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>November<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong>Squirrel fur<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>Dogs<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          7) What was King George VI’s first name?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>Albert<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          8 ) What color is a purple finch?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Crimson<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>New Zealand<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?<\/strong>
          \n<\/strong>Orange (of course)<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

          What do you mean, you failed?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          \u00a0<\/strong>Me, too!<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>
          \n<\/strong>
          \n<\/strong>(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          Pass this on to your brilliant friends.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          Tintin in Sri Lanka<\/span><\/h1>\n

          \"\" \"\" \"\" \"\"
          \n\"\"
          \n\"\"
          \n\"\"<\/p>\n

          ================================================================================================<\/p>\n

          Funny prank by priest and nun on church members<\/span><\/h1>\n