{"id":74764,"date":"2021-10-05T02:21:16","date_gmt":"2021-10-05T02:21:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/websitedesigns.com.au\/elankanew\/?p=74764"},"modified":"2021-10-05T02:21:16","modified_gmt":"2021-10-05T02:21:16","slug":"garden-humour-by-des-kelly-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/websitedesigns.com.au\/elankanew\/garden-humour-by-des-kelly-2\/","title":{"rendered":"“GARDEN HUMOUR” \u2013 By Des Kelly"},"content":{"rendered":"

“GARDEN HUMOUR” \u2013 By Des Kelly<\/strong><\/span><\/h1>\n

\""GARDEN<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0Thank you, Charles, for your “drift-back” into the good old days of gardening, as we knew it, well, you probably do anyway, because, while I always enjoyed a good garden, personally, even a weed that I decided to plant, for whatever reason, would not grow. They say that opposites matter however, and the beautiful gardens of our homes were always the work of my ex-wife Cynthia, R.I.P. She loved\u00a0 gardening, so, being an understanding husband, I always left her to do what she enjoyed doing.\u00a0 She knew that, as a gardener, I was a good guitarist.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I am sure that readers of e’Lanka will peruse this post, so thank you again, for sending it in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Desmond<\/p>\n

Desmond Kelly.<\/span><\/p>\n

(Editor-in-Chief) e’Lanka.<\/span><\/p>\n

You will chuckle as you read this …. Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

GOD<\/span>\u00a0<\/strong>to\u00a0<\/span>ST. FRANCIS<\/strong>:<\/span><\/span>
\nFrank\u00a0, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.<\/span><\/p>\n

St. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nIt’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.<\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nGrass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nApparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.<\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThe spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nApparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nGOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThey cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nNot exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nGOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThey bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nNo, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u200e<\/span>
\nGOD:<\/span>\u00a0<\/strong>Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?<\/span><\/p>\n

ST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nYes, Sir.<\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThese Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.<\/span><\/p>\n

ST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nYou aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nWhat nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nYou better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nGOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nNo!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?<\/span><\/p>\n

ST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nAfter throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.<\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nAnd where do they get this mulch?<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. FRANCIS:<\/strong><\/span>
\nThey cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nEnough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?<\/span>
\n\u200e<\/span>
\nST. CATHERINE:<\/strong><\/span>
\n‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

GOD:<\/strong><\/span>
\nNever mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis…<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“GARDEN HUMOUR” \u2013 By Des Kelly \u00a0 \u00a0Thank you, Charles, for your “drift-back” into the good old days of gardening, as we knew it, well, you probably do anyway, because, while I always enjoyed a good garden, personally, even a weed that I decided to plant, for whatever reason, would not grow. They say that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":74765,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"aside","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,1104],"tags":[759,37699],"class_list":{"0":"post-74764","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-aside","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-articles","8":"category-desmond-kelly","9":"tag-des-kelly","10":"tag-garden-humour","11":"post_format-post-format-aside"},"yoast_head":"\n"GARDEN HUMOUR" \u2013 By Des Kelly - eLanka<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Thank you, Charles, for your "drift-back" into the good old days of gardening, as we knew it, well, you probably do anyway, because, while I always enjoyed a good garden, personally, even a weed that I decided to plant, for whatever reason, would not grow. 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